I've had this concept mulling in my inner most thoughts for several months. See, I've always defined wholeness to be a state absent of lack; remember fraction pies in school? There's a mental image of wholeness for you. While I still stand by that. I have come within myself to add another layer of meaning: Healed.
Once this second definition became something synonymous with wholeness to me, I've realized I'm not as whole as I desire to be. Understand, I believe in the Lord I lack nothing and am complete in Him alone. Forever and Amen. Completely.
However, as life has happened over the last 31 years of my existence, wounds and scarring have as well. Things I've chosen to hold tightly to instead of giving them back to God and releasing them. Things that have altered the way I approach everything and everyone. I've been pondering, who would I be if I didn't still carry those scars? What would relationships look like if I was not still prone to the knee-jerk reaction of distancing myself. What would they look like if I didn't carry so much anxiety around being rejected or feeling as though I am merely a means to an end with many as it has been in the past? Or the worst one, that I am only meant to minister to so and so in this season (insert the gagging emoji times 10, but I've promised to be honest with you all). Super sullen thoughts, I know. But this is where my deep inner thoughts have been as I've been on this journey with Abba to being perfectly whole in Him. We have had to move the ick out of the way so we can get free and whole.
So where has that brought me? For starters, continuously questioning my responses to allllllll the things. Discerning if I am sensing by means of Holy Spirit in a moment, or am I adding to or hiding behind some still pretty tall walls of self preservation? Finding His face in both moments and His heart for me and the matter at the same time.
Taking all things to prayers and constantly being introspective without becoming self focused. It's been such a balancing act, but God has been so gracious to hold the scales for me as we navigate this together. In this act of introspection though, regardless of what gets brought up within myself I have made a vow to not become a victim or pick up a victim mentality. My goal is perfect wholeness. Being a victim in mind would only cause me to remain fractured and lacking in that area. I reject that completely and will not walk that road.
Because of the complete refusal to become a victim to my past, I am able to approach right now with open hands. Hands willing to hand back whatever gets surfaced in me. This freedom and openness with God has created permission for Him to work, and work deeply.
There has been such a swirl of reconciliation that has been available to me through all of this. Relationships that were on the other side of burnt bridges (like smoky, charred, can't make me, I will not!, relationships) restored and being made new again. Humility in the most freeing of ways. Forgiveness to those whom I will never speak to again, but had been wounded so deeply by in the past. Me asking forgiveness to those I was meant to love but only pushed away and hurt. It has been glorious. Painful and often a full dose of humble pie, but glorious none the less.
In all of this, these last few months, I've come to determine that there most likely will always be something that will need to be healed in me. Because let's face it, I'm human and while my goal is to be and remain unoffendable, I'm not there; yet. However, I am leaning into His heart for those around me and in relationship with me. More than my opinions, projections, desire for self preservation; simply just trying to love better. It has caused me to be very aware of my emotional state. We know according to scriptures that our emotions are not meant to lead us, and can often be deceiving. But I have found personally, if I will ask the Lord why I am feeling a certain way about something, He is always able to answer it and it always ends up being another measure of wholeness that is being added to my heart. Those things He shows me I am MORE than glad to rid of and have my perspective on the matter shifted to be able to see through the same lenses He is seeing through.
I do feel pressed to share that I've been doing all this while dealing with PPA (Post Partum Anxiety). That has added a whole other dimension to this process and has caused it to feel very isolating at times. Talk about some BIG feelings surfacing throughout this ever evolving ordeal! But as much as I haven't wanted to shrink and hide away within the confines of my walls because of PPA (because I am tired of PPA) it has been used to my good because I've had the opportunity to lay down business (for any reason) and truly focus on healing. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Focused on wholeness. Perfect wholeness. I think it has been what has allowed me to really slow down and hear what needed to take place in my own heart more clearly. I remind myself daily that He is working this to my good and for His glory.
- I must acknowledge because I know that someone will read this last paragraph and hear " God is giving me PPA and it is a good thing because me suffering benefits Him." Just No. That isn't what is meant by what I said at all. So if this is you, let me clarify. We know that according to Romans 8:28 All things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. This means that though I may be going through something, or you may gone through something, that as the children of Yahweh we have the freedom and inheritance to give the trash we receive to Him and allow Him to make something good out of it. I believe in and have witnessed several "in a moment" miracles, but this isn't proving to be the case for me right now. And while I continue to heal, and believe for and wait on healing, I am choosing to partner with the Lord and allow for all of this to have something good come out of it. Instead of allowing anxiety to be my full portion, I am allowing healing and freedom and wholeness to be the portion I receive through this walk with the Lord. And if wholeness is my goal and wholeness is what He is walking me through WHILE I am healing, I will use all the hormonal triggers to signal the deeper thing I need to let go of with Him. I do not believe that PPA is (always) a spiritual battle. But I do believe that as I heal of PPA, I am able to heal spiritually.
Holly, why are you sharing all of this?? Simple. I know I am not alone. I know that I am not the only woman who has ever dealt with hurt or rejection or fear or PPA. I know that I am not the only person who has ever heard and believed that lie that saved is good enough. I know that I am not the only woman who recognizes the ways they could be a better wife, mother or friend if they were TRULY whole. I know I am not the only woman God desires to make whole. I know that I am not the only woman who has come to the place of recognizing that if I were truly whole, I wouldn't feel like I had to simply minister in a 'hit it and quit it' fashion, wiping my hands of any emotional attachment or risk with another person. My ministering the gospel would be a PURE, untainted, holy interaction completely and solely fueled by an immense amount of love that overflowed from Abba's heart and my heart to whomever we interacted with- in ANY setting. My ministering of the gospel would be filled with the hope of wholeness to all I spoke to and would never leave a margin of doubt to the restorative and redemptive work of the cross or life of Jesus. My children would never be hurt because of harsh words spoken in a moment of aggravation. My spouse would never feel rejected because I am wounded and pushing or pulling away. Joy would be a constant companion and marking trait of my spirit seen by all. The depth of His love I could receive would deepen so far it is unimaginable. So why am I sharing this? Because just maybe you need to see perfect wholeness as a state of healed and not just absent of lack. Most all of us are taught in church that we are the children of God. With that comes salvation and righteousness. Lacking nothing in Christ Jesus. Being more than conquerors. Being set apart and adored by Abba Father. But do we believe that to our core? Because knowing that I am healed, delivered, set free lacking nothing and being convinced without doubt that I am healed, delivered, set free and lacking nothing are very different states of being. I desire the latter. The state of BEING PERFECTLY WHOLE. And I am inviting you to as well.
In closing, I encourage you sister, take your walls and defenses to the Lord. Allow Him to gently lead you to perfect wholeness in Him. It'll change you from the inside out. And yes, at times you may feel like you are being turned inside out. Go with it. Press on through it. Be free of it. Whatever 'it' is. Together, let's aim for perfect wholeness. Where we not only lack nothing in Him, but we are totally and miraculously and perfectly healed in Him.
-love you sweet friend- we've got this-