I totally get why though. It's hard to talk about the dead versions of space that still occupy core memories and shape current expectations.
But moving back home isn't as simple or as heartwarming as I had hoped it would be.
It's been HARD. Like really, really, hard.
Because "home" isn't what it used to be. And I am not who I used to be. And now, somewhere in the jumbled space of expectations, hopes and memories; I've got to make sense of my new normal and make "home" something new, yet still allow it to hold memory and familiar space. That balance is delicate and difficult.
Now, please don't hear what I'm not saying. People are wonderful still. And I missed them dearly. But life changes people. When distance is a factor and you're not changing together, sometimes we change so much we are no longer who we said see you soon to. And that is okay. Truly. Painful at times. Surprising at other. But still okay none the less.
Things as complex as trying to find a church home that fits what we believe and models how we are trying to raise our family while not compromising any of our values, core beliefs, unique family needs, or biblical truths for the sake of "fitting in somewhere" has been rough. Compromise isn't something we do well any longer.
Simple things like no more quick trips to the local grocery store. Because now we know people and run into them. But also because the blasted stores are not laid out the same way in any two places. PSA to all you big box stores; make a diagram and make it a requirement to be mapped the same. Please. For the love of all that is pure and holy. My overstimulated mom brain will actually make purchases there if I didn't get so stressed that I put everything back and run out.
And then the moments that are super triggering. The moments with people you don't know how to talk with any more. The people who could only be seen or spoken to while you were gone if YOU reached out. The platitudes of "making up for lost time"... No. That was forfeited time because roads and phones travel two ways for close friends, old church family, and family who cares check in with you. And while yes, not everyone wants your new town to be their vacation or they may not have the resources to physically see you, the Skype calls work and phone and text lines are and were always open. All these thoughts accompanied with the tension of not wanting to hold people to whatever process they or we may have been walking through, while also not being able to help feeling like you actually saw the depth of the relationships and what you mean(t) to them. And how do you say all that in the cereal isle of Walmart? You can't. So you let it go behind smiles with a forced squeeze (you know the one you needed two years ago when phone calls for encouragement couldnt be answered or returned) and walk away holding back the stinging tears. You realize just how painful the last three years have really been, how much you've come to respect yourself and your family unit, and how lonely this move back "home" has been. And you finish your grocery shopping.
So I get it. Why no one talks about how hard it is to move back home.
Because you feel like the square peg in the round hole constantly. I am not sure, but I sure am hopeful it won't always be this way. But for now, it's where I am- clinging to God's promise to me over this move and praying it really does get better. Realizing I have to get to know the area, the people and myself in this space all over again.
Maybe if you're in this boat too, you know what I'm saying. And if you're walking in and through this tension too, I'm praying for your heart as well. I'm telling us, it'll get better.
How do I know it's okay to hope for it to get better and trust it will? Well easy. There's a sweet, dear few that were there through all of it us. The Lord. My husband. Our children. And two sweet friends I'm convinced are secretly angels. And I know that if the Lord will carry us to it He will carry us through it. And He was generous enough to give my husband to me, our children to us, and a couple friends who always came in at the worst moments to remind us we are actually loved and matter to more than what's in the walls of our home. And I'm confident that if not already, in time you will have the same. And that silver lining can turn even the worst and most lonely and challenging days into golden moments if we simply choose not to hold so tightly to what "was" and accept what is walking forward into what will be.