Tonight, I write to the momma who feels she is drowning.
Drowning from the time you wake up to demands of littles crying for their morning snacks way before the sun has come up. Hoping to shake the sleep from your eyes in time to cook breakfast before riots break out. Until you finally lay down at night with all the crazy between. To the momma who wakes with a list with more to do than the day is long. Lists that swim around your mind non stop reminding you just how far behind you really are, and that you will never really be ahead- ever.
Drowning in seas of laundry that never. Stop.... ever.
Toilets that need scrubbing. Floors that need vacuuming and mopping. Dusting. Polishing..it never ends either.
Drowning in endless snacks and meals that need making. Not to mention the grocery shopping to keep the pantry full.
Oh and all the errands. The doctors appointments. Drowning in the things you must tend to that far outnumber the number of sitter stays you have budgeted for or hours before naps must happen.
Drowning in bills. Bills that never end and always seem to arrive with a surprise pal that was NOT in the budget.
And that's just the MUST get done daily.
But then there is your mind. Losing yourself while you drown in a sea of comparison.
Drowning in the things you should have done better because Little Susie's mom would have NEVER said that.
Drowning in the things you lack because clearly you are the reason your children had a tantrum in the middle of Wal-Mart.
Drowning in replaying the sideways looks you received from those passing by during said tantrum, only reinforcing that you really are unfit to be their mother. Yeah, we saw you Carol.
Drowning in the way you don't dress right because homegirl on Instagram with her perfectly colored hair, filtered makeup and fitted size 2 clothing is rocking at life right now because clearly, she is a better mother. I mean, ONLY a mother who looks like that has perfect children.
Drowning in the replays of every time you thought about giving your kid to the highest bidder, well because naps are needed daily but a scarce commodity. And those tantrums we talked about earlier, they were BAD today. Over the color of a fork. And the fact that the gold fish were shaped like fish and not the ever elusive unicorn.
And the emotions. Drowning in feeling like you weren't enough. In the heartbreak of watching moments flash into hours and then days. Drowning in realizing babies don't keep and time keeps passing far too fast. Wondering if you did all you could to make sure that little gift knows just how much you love them. Just how proud you are of them. And even when you yelled with tears of frustration in your eyes, that you would go through this over and over and over again because THEY are worth every second. Drowning in the sea of forgetfulness. In not remembering who you are. Or were before 'mom' became your name. The feelings of unworthiness. Of being less than they deserve. Then just as it's almost time to crawl into bed with the partner who helped you create this madness. In sets the body shaming. Feelings of insecurity. Wishing you had the energy or curves like you used to. Feeling so guilty they get your left overs but being too tired to really try to be anything but exhausted tonight. Knowing they would never understand it's just easier to nurse your headache and tired mind.
Drowning in feeling like you aren't an adequate partner any more. But being so afraid of losing them because you really do love them and deep down you know you are in there still. Deep, deep down there. Somewhere. Drowning under all the chaos.
But momma... can I tell you it isn't going to always be like this. There will be days that you feel like you are walking on sunshine. And YOU are the one rocking the mom thing! Because let me tell you, YOU ARE ROCKING IT! Every daggum day.
You aren't alone! In your unfiltered, un-hashtagged pursuit of being all you can be you are selflessly loving your kids with every ounce of your being. Giving all of yourself to raise them to be the best people they could possibly be! Remember on the days they are driving you nuts, they are probably driving themselves nuts with emotions way bigger than they are. And you are their safe space to act a fool while they navigate these new feelings and reactions. Learning how to temper them.
The lists that are overwhelming, well one day they won't seem so big. And you will soon come to learn they are just goals anyways. And it's okay to not finish every single thing, every single day. I understand the dire need to feel like you aren't failing at something, but I need you to remember, you are raising an incredible human being who is going to love like crazy. Every single day, you are winning! And those chores, one day they will be big enough to help! And that, my sweet friend, will be a glorious day.
But those thoughts in your head. Those have got to stop. I need you to realize that you aren't meant to be little Susie's mom. Your rambunctious, outgoing, strong willed child needed you, and you them. You really are superwoman! You're cut out to withstand major interrogation and any form of vocal torture. You are a warrior. Which is exactly why God gave you the raw material to raise more warriors. Breathe. Take a bubble bath. And toast yourself before bed. You survived, and they are thriving- because of YOU!
Promise me that before closing your eyes tonight, you won't let comparison steal your peace or your joy.... or your sleep. All are far too precious. You are enough!
And woman. That man of yours that created this with you. He chose you. A long time ago. For better or worse. And even though you may feel like you are drowning in a sea of days labeled worse, you cannot push him out. He will never understand what you don't share with him. I promise you, he wants to do this WITH you, he may just not know how. And don't forget, he knew you before the babies did. Unarguably having children changes your very DNA, but the parts of you that are so uniquely you, he knows them! Let him help you remember who you are when you forget who you are.
Speaking of who you are. I must remind you. From the mouth of The One who created YOU. You are enough. You are more than a conqueror. You are cherished and deeply loved with a love that fought the grave to be with you! And would do it again and again and again!!!! And you are beautiful.
Please! Stop shaming yourself because your body doesn't look or function like it once did. You bear the curves and marks and possibly the continency of a woman who has brought forth one (or multiple) of Gods most precious gifts. You wear the scars that many woman cry themselves to sleep wishing they had too. You are gorgeous. And you are still sexy!
Momma. You are doing this. And you are doing this well. You are not alone. You are loved and in case no one has told you lately, I appreciate you! All you do. All you sacrifice. All you balance. All the laundry you do that keeps your family from smelling and looking a hot mess. The dinners you cook and snacks you make. The noses and rear ends you wipe. The vomit you clean and the floors you sweep. I see YOU. And I appreciate You. And you are ROCKING it, sister❤ and I promise you, those little ones of yours, they see you too. And they wouldn't trade you for all the unicorn goldfish and purple forks in the world!
-A Fellow Warrior