Let me start by saying the hormones and emotions with this pregnancy have been BIG. Hubs assures me they've been big every time, but this time around, it has just been very different for me. Say it's from being away from 'home' and still not feeling like we have 'home' here two years after a move. Or maybe it's from exhaustion and big attitudes trying to adjust to the realization that there is, in fact, a new sweet soul coming into our home in a matter of weeks. The sea of dishes and laundry that never end and seem to be the bane of my existence as I current battle the worst pelvic pain I've ever experienced (totally seems like seas of never ending work when you hurt and the daily tasks are painful to complete).Whatever it is, this hasn't been the most the most sweet and fun experience of my life.
In the throws of nausea, pain and just pregnancy being a mom to 5 and a wife to a husband that has had a ridiculous work schedule this year taking him all over, as well as an overall feeling of disconnect to the sense of 'home'..... I think I misplaced my perspective. I've become so consumed with the day to day mundane and discontentment of life not looking like what I thought it ought to, that I just kind of faded into the background and checked out of a lot of things. My gaze has battled to look up and I find it often overwhelmed and glazed over in the 'right in front of me'.
In the past 7 months, we have felt plan and idea after plan and idea come under fire. We felt we have a sense of direction and then work plans shifted it all. We thought we knew where we were supposed to be heading, take steps to go that direction, then BIG red flags from Holy Spirit start flying around like a bad soccer match. As a visionary, to constantly see vision, goals, ideas and dreams seem squashed has been discouraging. Throw in the fear of having a baby so far from 'home' and knowing our support system that has always known 'us' and been there with us through all our life growths and changes is 5 hours away is super intimidating. Though I must acknowledge the peace I have in knowing that we most likely won't be disturbed too much by visitors as we adjust to family of 8 life those first sweet weeks.
But in the midst of this all, the invitation of the Lord to constantly choose to look up has been just as overwhelmingly present as the chaos I choose to look over. He has been so gentle in reminding me of His great help in times of trouble and need. Showing up as a sense of still when everything around me seems to swirl with uncertainty at the time. Redirecting me to see beauty and replanting the desire to not give up on what He has called us to. Even if it seems impossible or improbable or even at times completely incorrect. Teaching me over and over again to be comfortable with Him in the discomfort of an environment. It's been painfully beautiful at times. And when I feel myself disappearing into the background and feeling a bit checked out.... There He is again, whispering His love and delight over me. Reminding me He chooses me over and over again. Just as I will continue to choose Him over, and over again. To lift my gaze and catch His perspective again.
And then I see it.
The little girls who mimic and desire to grow like me, because they adore who they see me as. Little boys who look at their mother and father with admiration because they see the grit in clinging to the Lord's promises for our lives even when I don't feel it. The promise of life in the middle of what feels dry around us. Friends who tend to show up out of the blue to remind us we aren't alone.
God constantly reminds us from Old to New Testaments that He is for us. He is with us. And He covers us. So as I lean into His Word, His voice booms with adoration over how HE sees me when I am feeling unseen. He sees you as chosen. He sees you as His precious pearl of great price. He sees you as a steward of His Kingdom as you clean your house and raise those babies and love your spouse well. He sees you as His beloved. He sees you as beautiful, a lily among thorns; His rose of Sharon. He sees you as holy and redeemed and righteous. He sees your value. He carries your tears. He hears and comforts your cries. How do I know this? Because I know that's how He sees me. And He doesn't see me differently than you.
So momma, as you wrangle those toddlers and try to train those attitudes. As you clean the house seemingly for the 400th time today. As you try to carve out a 5min shower to wash away the stink of milk and snacks and slobber and God truly only knows what. As you disciple your children and train them (however, that may look for you). As you cook the meals that someone most likely will be sure to inform you of their displeasure towards. As you try to be the loving and doting wife you were before the overwhelm of life. As you attempt to be the present friend you miss being or wish you had. As you try to pour into your community to the best of your ability and availability..... He is there with you in the grime of it all. Reminding you of the royalty you are and that He is more than enough to carry you through it all. To walk hand in hand and disciple you and reveal His heart to you as you do the same to your family.
He is planting you momma. Burying you beneath the weight of His love and affections. Teaching you to see His goodness and your identity in the midst of all that screams contrary. He is guiding you to rest in midst of storms. You truly are still fun. You truly are still radiant. You truly do still shine gloriously... even sprinkled in goldfish.
My prayer for you, for myself, is that we never forget to raise our gaze. To ascend a little higher with Him each time. And that in the throws of child rearing and wifing and living every day in this world, we never forget that we radiate the beauty of His glory. And that my friend, is a very seen and beautiful thing. Remember to enjoy the bloom and just....
